Hallucinations

“This wasn’t the first time. To be honest, i don’t remember the first time at all. But I’m sure it felt sidereal. How else would i have gone this far? A major feeling of contentment and..well,contentment. A sigh of satisfaction, a pill of ecstasy, Floating on cloud 9, drifting in waves, letting lose…off all your thoughts and heartbreaks.
Huh, heartbreak, some would say sympathetically that’s what turned me into this. But i say, that’s what made me this. This superhero of my own self. Yes, a superhero is what I refer myself too. Don’t look so amused. You see, Surrendering to your desires gives you power.

Do you believe in super powers? Well, trust me , you will start to.
For instance, the reason why I ended up here, on this ugly white sheet upon which countless people might have died, i lay alive. Despite how high the fall was or how deep the water, I’m still alive.
So you see, the super power….being able to control death. “

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Memory lane

My tea had an awful reminder in the first sip which drove me to places in my head which i did not want to revisit. The words and moments that had chased after me for years and which i had struggled to bury somewhere within me were all now coming back.

I think this is how it happens. This is how it works. That you fall face down to the ground with all your charms and pride while your ego stands back and watches you. And then just when you think you’re back at it, back at life and ready to face all its rantings, everything decides to peak back telling you they were never gone.

And so it happened. All those wet pillow days and sobing moments came back hitting me right where they first did. Feelings, i tell you, are not to be played with. We try to control them ourselves and when we fail at it, we happily give it up to someone else to program it their way. To command it whatever way they find useful. And we just sit back and feel the riots within us at their maximum rage. And yet we never question or blame ourselves.

That day , although, those scars on my arms said otherwise.

 

 

 

 

 

Demonic Soul

Watching her sleep was probably the best place to be in. Her face being ever so calm, like that of a child, asleep, drowned in a kaleidoscope, more of a dream. She was the most beautiful girl i had ever laid eyes on.

I doubt her being a porcelain doll if she wasnt given a soul. Rose pink cheeks , deep green eyes , lips curved into cupid’s bow.

Swifting my fingers through her hair i saw her slowly opening her eyes. Ever so excited to get her attention and Waiting for that ravishing face to turn towards me.

“Sweet heart,?” I said, to get her attention.

 

Someone looked at me, but it was not her. The eyes i would drown into felt unknown to me. The face i would never get tired of staring at was now frightening me.

I jerked my hand out of her hair, And stood up abruptly. She was staring at me. Constantly, without any gestures. Emotionless.

I watched her as she had her eyes stuck at my face. Those eyes frightened me, her face was  pale , completely emotionless. It was almost the same as watching a dead body, but a dead body blinking and looking back at you. I didnt have the guts to go close to her, neither did i want to leave the room because i knew my love was in there. And i couldn’t leave her alone. Moments like these were when i got cold feet. But as time passed, i knew i needed her more than she needed me.

The eyes that stared right through my soul, questioning me of her existence. She let her hand out towards me. Her wrists were wounded with scars of blades. She wanted me to save her. And i,

I just didn’t know what to do. 

 

 

Rhapsody of romance.

Roads don’t always lead to dead ends.”

The last line i read off my favourite novel. Fairytales are just fictions engraved into our minds from the age we sleep to the mesmerising voices of our mothers reading us a bedtime story. A beautiful girl meets a prince charming who rescues her out of her misery is ludacris. False fantasies portraying the bitter world to be an eclair of romance enfolded in sincerity.

I never believed in fairytales until my life started molding into one.

Lying on the floor in a dark room, my soul had left my body once again. Wandered off to places where it could smile. My body has always had a different yet a deep connection with my soul. The soul would often leave to wander off to places it called home. And the body would shed tears in return to her smiles. It was one of those nights again, the night when my soul smiled in ecstasy and the eyes shut in despair, the night the cheeks felt every silent tear the eyes shed, the night i wanted to be saved again.

My trance was interrupted when my phone beeped. It was unusual for my phone to ring and the sound came as a surprise to me. There weren’t many people left who wanted to know how i was doing. And the ones left were probably too busy to ask.

Hey. How are you?

The message my eyes hadn’t read since quite a while. I sat up to read it and replied instantly. Who was he? Why did he message me? And more importantly, why did i reply? I did not bother to know. Maybe i wanted an escape from the silence, maybe i wanted to be heard or maybe i just wanted my numb soul to finally get a feeling.

And it felt it. Days of loitering around, questioning my own existence, my soul finally felt alive again.

The conversation began with the stranger I knew nothing about but his username. Before i knew it, i was talking to someone i had never seen. Being rebellious that night felt right for the first time. Glancing upon my phone to see if he had replied or not, continuing small talks as an excuse for the conversation to just go on and not stop. It was 4am, and i found myself in an unusual state. There is an immediate bond of love formed between the child and whom it first opens its eyes to see. I felt that exceptional love bond form between me and a stranger whose message i opened my eyes to. In that july’s midnight i was born again.

Days of being overshadowed and helplessly feeling my demons feed upon me, i felt an array of hope. I could finally take a deep breath and feel the cage of suffocation break. Our conversations continued when he asked me for my number. Promptly, i gave it without having a second thought. How could i not? He was the light i saw coming my way through the midst of a thick haze. That day i entitled him to be mine. No matter what his relationship status was. He was mine. He had to be. How could he not be my prince charming,? after all, he did rescued me from my demons. I was in love. In love with a man i knew not.

Time passed and we became the best of friends. Endless long phone calls of speaking our hearts out, craving for eachothers time and complementing eachother became a ritual we kept crawling after. Talking to him everyday bloomed my soul. I felt it grow from a bud to a complete flower along with my love for him. He conquered my thoughts and my love got relentless. I knew i was caught in my own bubble where my feelings were probably one sided, but i had lost control over my emotions. I was ready to be his damsel silently hoping for him to be mine one day and surrendered to keep my feelings to myself if i had to keep him. And i was in no position to loose him.

2 months passed, and that day came. The day i could no longer watch and hear him talk to other girls, the day i refused to suffocate under the title of his friend. The fear of him coming to me one day telling me he is in love with someone else took over and i broke down. I was helplessly in love with him. His eyes that stared right through my soul, the lips that curved into a subtle smile, the voice that got me addicted to it. Everything about him began to haunt me.

He would wake up and talk to me, comfort me throughout the day, make me feel special, make me laugh and acknowledged my existence. He’d send me his pictures throughout the day and i would keep them safe in a vault, he would tell me im beautiful as if he knew that was what i desperately needed to hear. The sense of security i had with him was unlike anyother protection.

He pulled me out of my destress, he saved my soul from being lost forever, he had to be the one who stays in the picture with me. Not the one i silently have to love from a distance. So i said it. My stomach crumpled as i wrote out every feeling to him unaware of what his reaction might be. The feeling of being lost came back and hit hard this time. I felt alone and had lost all my guts. With shattered emotions, i snug my face into my wet pillow once again and just prayed to not wake up tomorrow if i had to read anything im not strong enough to read. A denial was all i needed to give up.

The same sun rose up the next day. Pretending to act normal, the day passed like anyother. Same laughter, same smiles hiding the same emotions that kept feeding of me from the first day.

That night, stalking his pictures in my gallery i got a message from him and i read something unusual:

“I love you. Will you be mine?”

These words shoke my world. Is it real? Am i actually getting what i have been asking for? Am i really this lucky? Tears began to flow down my cheeks and i felt more alive than ever before. The cages had broken and the ice had melted. My prayers had been answered.

Fairytales do exist. It did for me. And through all this my mind kept recalling:

“Roads don’t always lead to a dead end.”

 

Unconditional Love.

His eyes, they felt so deep that night. Sitting opposite to him on the dinner table with candles lit in between, i watched him as he spoke. Drowning in his deep hazel eyes, watching his enticing lips touch as he subtly narrated his day at work. His fair skin, slightly grown mostache, perfectly gelled hair, his hands complementing all his gestures. His erotic scent pervaded the whole room. I was taken over by his charm. I surrendered.

We met over the most used technology in today’s time, the internet. We’d chat for hours regardless of the time. I’d be cursing my existence and he’d be making me feel alive. And when we met each other for the first time, he took me by surprise. Ever since then he’s been greedy, his greed was my smile.

Me? I was just more and more dissolved in the midst of the fog his affection created for me. Every time he’d carry me around in his arms, up close to his chest, his scent would diffuse within me and his warmth would feel like heaven. I felt blessed. Blessed enough to forget cursing myself.

After the dinner, he rang me up telling me he was walking on the bridge he proposed me on. Recalling each and every miracle that night had to offer,

He knelt and held my hand,
You are the most beautiful lady i have ever laid eyes on, no matter how deprived you feel, know that you are a blessing for me and i vow, right here to you, that i shall spend my entire life as your protector ,”

It teared me up. For the first time, i felt my existence.

“Babe,” he said escaping me from the flashbacks,
“If i were to die right now i’d want my last words to be I love You,”

Those were his last words, that was his last moment….

Being a paraplegic offers many challenges, this was the greatest of all. He left, but he taught me how to cherish my present and be thankful of my existence.
I realised ,despite being a wheel chair bound, i was unconditionally loved.

Let us die rich..!

The belief of walking out of our lives with eyes shut forever lies within us encaged with fear. It is true, everyone of us fears the apocalypse. When the sky shall lower itself upon us and we shall find ourselves in the midst of stagnant fog and echoing cries.

We plan for everything, schedules for a better tomorrow, though we all ought to know that tomorrow is uncertain. So lets plan the uncertain tomorrow. It sounds crazy but it will be a whole lot better. How?

Take a deep breath and change the love you have for life into lust for life, it doesn’t have to cost a fortune. Rich is never the materialistic wealth. It is the smile you gather for the life of your soul. Having the ability to enjoy every moment of life is richness. Even the relatively unpleasant moments. We are all born rich- we just lose the knack along the way.

Go for a walk and feel humbled by the beauty that exists around you. Look at the sky, the nature, record the chirping in your ears and snap the beauty. Make friends , create the environment that allows you to be yourself. Feel the ability of being unconditionally accepted.

Revel in the glory that you are alive. And make sure you make the most of being alive.